Conflicted

This post is a little different than some of the other posts I have done recently. This one is more reflective... just as a heads-up...

Since starting my job all of my co-workers have been trying to get to know me. There are a couple of teachers that I knew from before I started working, but others I am just getting to know. Through them getting to know me I have started wondering again about when Jason and I should have children. I keep thinking abot how badly I want to have a family, then I think about it a little more and realize I am not quite ready for children yet because there are still some things I want to do.

We keep vascillating between this year and next year, and I want to have kids in April of which ever year we decide, but that leaves the window kinda small. There is probably a good medium and a nice compromise so if we decide we aren't quite ready yet then we don't have to wait a whole year, but we haven't figured it out yet.

What are these things I still want to do? I want to get in really good shape, hopefully so I don't gain as much weight when I get pregnant. I would love to go on another mission trip of some kind before having a child. I want to work at least one full year before having children so I am more hireable if I decide to stay home after the first baby. We want to have some more of the house finished, preferably adding another room so we don't have to store so much of our stuff if we have a baby.

It is just a strange feeling. I really want to be pregnant, but I'm pretty sure that is not a reason to decide to have a child. There are a lot more reasons that Jason and I have decided to wait thus far, and we are going to have to reevaluate everything come this summer. I want a baby so bad, but we are not ready, and that is hard for me to wrap my mind around because we have been married for 3 1/2 years, longer than most couples before their first child. Several friends are having children (granted, several are not, too), and I want to experience that. I have to keep reminding myself that I just turned 23, so just because I have been married for a relatively long time doesn't mean I need a child, I have plenty of time for that.

I am just full of conflicting feelings and I am trying to rely on God for guidance in all of this. So far everything He has done for us has been amazing and perfect, and His timing is perfect as well. We are praying for guidance and we want to do His will, not our own. If you would pray for us as well it would be fantastic. We just need His guidance.